The Witzelsucht Memorandum

Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service is practically a motto

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It's true... Wit Memo's account of PETA's annual "veggie dog luncheon," featuring two gen-yoo-wine Playboy Playmates clad in lettuce leaf bikinis doling out death-free dogs on the steps of the Rayburn House Office building, was seen on Wonkette, the must-read sex-obsessed blog of DC political gossip that's so hot it's led to a paying gig for its creator, an unheard-of event in blog-world, proving once again that the sky's the limit for brainy dames who love to talk dirty.  


Wit Memo LOVES the conventions!!

The heated debates, the bitter rivalries, the wheeling and dealing, the hacks and ward-heelers mobilizing delegates in pitched floor battles with opposing factions vying for their slice of the platform pie. The favorite sons, the horses dark, trading, and stalking. And best of all, the smoke-filled back rooms where the Party Bosses call in favors, twist arms, hold feet to the fire, hammer out slates and hand-pick the ticket.

But first off, just so no one wastes any time worrying over the outcome let's get one thing out of the way: Kerry wins. Not even a doubt. How come? Historical precedent: the taller guy always wins.  Always.  True, last time was an exception. But even then the taller guy got more votes, a decent goal in any event. And anyway, last time the height difference was barely perceptible, and Bush's no-beer lankiness seemed taller than Gore's borderline pudginess. But Kerry really is tall and looks it. Like the cloned child of Honest Abe and Ichabod Crane, he positively TOWERS over the incumbent, further confirming Bush's status as a pint-sized, sub-six-foot midget, bringing to mind our favorite Belle Barth punch line: "them's not midgets, them's Texans with the bullshit let out!" Remarkable that they had to go all the way to Mao-Tse-Chusetts to find a Texas-sized candidate. 

Democrats know it, that's why they brought up Kerry's six-foot-four-inch statute (six-six if you count the hair, they said) about fifty million times. Republicans know it, that's why they were already uncorking desperation tactics, like the photos of Kerry in the foolish-looking NASA germ-free suit, and feigned outrage over his wife's imprecation to a reporter from the same Scaife-owned paper that marked whose Katherine Graham's passing by suggesting that the fabled Post publisher had murdered her husband.

So all you America-hating terrorist-lovin' lefties, like the fellow who affixed a "Bush = Hitler" sticker to a lamp pole on Sligo Creek Parkway above Piney Branch Road, get over it. And lighten up. And all you right-wing brown shirts, like those who considers Ann Coulter a serious commentator and not a partisan political insult comic specializing in that unoriginal, played-out, done-to-death, trying-to-sound-like-a-grizzled-1940s-hard boiled-reporter schtick of stringing together derogatory adjectival phrases . . . isn't it more rewarding to be a contrarian when your chums don't dominate all three branches of government?

  • It was our first real intro to John "JFK" Kerry, and we sure learned a lot. F'r instance, we understand he was in Vietnam. On some kind of boat, apparently.

  • The convention was the first time we've heard John Edwards speak, and boy, were we impressed! We just wish we could look at him without thinking of him as Robin to John Kerry's Batman ... or perhaps as the younger half of Rob Smigel's "The Ambiguously Gay Duo."  And that voice!  We'd love to have a Southern accent, but every time we say "y'all" we end up sounding smarmy! It's great that Kerry has a Southerner on the ticket, that's pretty much de rigeur these days, which is fine with us: we love the South! ... if only they'd lose the penchant for statues of people who lost a war.

  • Interesting Factoid: Of course you remember the powerful words of Haleema Salie, who Monday night spoke movingly of her family who were on the 9-11 Pentagon plane. But did you know that of the 60% of Americans -- or is it Fox viewers -- who think Saddam Hussein was behind those attacks, 40% thought that she was talking about the hijackers? (As affecting as her speech may have been, she ultimately dropped the ball. She didn't plug John Kerry once! First rule of advertising and politics: talk up the product!
  • After she was done, we next saw an fresh-faced, slightly nervous young man with violin cocked and ready, and we just knew he was going to break into "Amazing Grace." What is it with that song and earnest left-leaning rallies? We OD'd xon that tune back when Mayor Barry was staging his big post-prison bid for his old office. It's become what "Brick House" is to wedding receptions. And those awful lyrics: "...who save a wretch like me."  Speak for yourself, Wit Memo is most certainly not a wretch! Our fears confirmed after the first few bars of the song, we started wondering when the poem by Maya Angelou would be heard. Oh, that's right... she was on the next night. Has she become the Democrat's Billy Graham?
  • At least some of her poems rhyme, and it's to her huge credit that writes rhyming poetry, flying in the face of Big Poetry prohibition on rhyming verse (pick up any college literary journal, you'll see). And some of her stuff isn't bad, either:
  • Does my sexiness upset you?
    Does it come as a surprise
    That I dance like I've got diamonds
    At the meeting of my thighs?
    Diamonds at the meeting of her thighs? Ouch! Guess she's heard that male boast of having a "diamond cutter!" You know what that "diamonds" line reminds us of? X's "long, fine arms, and a treasure chest where they meet" on the "Burning House of Love" album. (Thought we were gonna say "diamonds on the soles of my shoes," didn't ya? No? Liar!)
      • Most importantly of all for the Dems, Kerry didn't screw up. The should put that on their bumper stickers: "Kerry: He Didn't Blow It." Most everything went smoothly, except for Max Cleland's "Crispus Atticus," Kerry's "hair pollution," and the chants of "Kerry, Kerry" recalling nothing so much as the studio audience at a taping of "Jerry Springer."
      • Are we the only ones who think that when she doesn't wear her hair pulled back, Vanessa Kerry looks an awful lot like Ann Coulter, or at least the way Ann Coulter might look if she were fifteen years younger and didn't smoke cigarettes? Perhaps some of Coulter's less cranially-endowed readers might end up thinking that she's endorsed the Swiftboat Senator?
      • Final thought: given the way the Republicans must be looking for any excuse to beat up on them over being Tough on Terrorism, was it smart for the Democrats to showcase a speaker named OSAMA?

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