REAGAN I: GIVE THE MAN HIS DUE!
In all the years we spent making fun of RONALD REAGAN, we never
once dreamed that someday, he'd be responsible for us getting
an extra day of paid vacation - an entire day drawing full salary
for doing nothing but sleeping late, lounging around, jotting down smarmy
insights, and toasting the 40th President's memory in fine Nixonian
fashion, with tumblers of
Virginia Gentleman, washed down with foam-capped,
cone-shaped glasses of Tuppers' Hop Pocket Pilsner.
Our profound gratitude for the day off, and our belief that one should
not speak ill of the newly dead (unlike that punk George Will), move us
to finally give "the Gipper" his due:
Aw, heck, if ketchup can be a vegetable, and
if trees can cause more pollution than cars, then, by gar,
Ronald Reagan can be the greatest President of the 20th Century!
REAGAN II: WHAT'S IN
Those of us who never cottoned to the cockamamie campaign to rename
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING after Ronald Reagan always had one huge comeback:
he's not dead! You can't name a memorial after someone who's still alive?
So much for that argument! If everything is going to be named after
Reagan, we'd best lie back and try to enjoy it!
But there is one thing that SHOULD be renamed after Ronald Reagan:
THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS! Check out
a classic Wit Memo featured in the
October 2000 edition of Snap Pop! magazine: Rename
the Redskins THE RONALD REAGAN NATIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM!
At a time like this, not even Daniel Snyder has the guts to refuse!
REAGAN III: THE STAND UP YEARS
At Wit Memo we don't judge Presidents
by their policies or leadership, we apply more important considerations,
like their taste for tail (JFK, Clinton), their skill with
the sauce (Grant, FDR, Nixon), and their ability to tell a joke
competently. In this last category, Reagan had no peers. He may not
have been much in an unscripted press conference, but given a few prepared
boffo zingers, he could really slay 'em. For posterity we reproduce two
of his better efforts:
"The Democrats in Congress have been spending money like a
sailor on shore leave, with one difference: the sailor is spending his
own money." -told on multiple occasions. (Sadly, many subsequent politicos
have ruined this fine joke by omitting the punch line, proving by contrast
the skill of the Great Communicator.)
"Today I've signed legislation which will outlaw poverty and hunger
forever. We begin bombing poor and hungry people in five minutes." -told
upon vetoing the Food Stamp Reauthorization Act.
REAGAN IV: THE REAGAN
SPIRIT LIVES ON . . . IN THE DC CITY COUNCIL?!?
What better embodies the Reagan spirit of dedication and
individual responsibility than civil servants who - unlike Wit
Memo - use their paid vacation time to promote the
And thus, on behalf of the residents of Wit
Memo's former home, the District of Columbia, we offer
a hearty "thanx and a tip 'o the hat-rack" to the staff members
of D.C. Councilman
HAROLD BRAZIL, who, it was recently learned,
work for Brazil's private law practice while
on personal leave from their Council-funded attorney jobs. (Brazil
commendably has a private law practice in addition to his part-time Councilman's
job: anyone who'd be content with the Council's 90-grand-plus salary
clearly lacks the ambition needed to do the job right!)
Hard to believe, given the bad press routinely accorded DC government,
but it's true: rather than indolently wasting their paid leave on selfish,
leisurely pursuits like traveling, watching TV, or lounging around a pool
somewhere, these dedicated public servants spent their hard-earned vacations
sharpening their legal skills and gaining valuable
experience in the practice of law, so that when they returned from
vacation, they'd be even better able to serve the city council than before
they left! The Councilman is to be commended for his obvious ability to
attract staff willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. His famous
politico wife Donna must be awfully proud!
REAGAN V: LAST THOUGHT
There's a chance of rain on Thursday and Friday, when the former
President will lie in state in the
Capitol Rotunda, and then be
taken in a solemn procession to the National Cathedral.
And we swear: if ONE TV commentator says anything about
God joining in the mourning (Fox news, we're looking in your direction)
. . . there just might end up being TWO funerals!
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