The Witzelsucht Memorandum


Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service Is Practically A Motto

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Special Death O' Reagan issue!
 
REAGAN I: GIVE THE MAN HIS DUE!

In all the years we spent making fun of RONALD REAGAN, we never once dreamed that someday, he'd be responsible for us getting an extra day of paid vacation - an entire day drawing full salary for doing nothing but sleeping late, lounging around, jotting down smarmy insights, and toasting the 40th President's memory in fine Nixonian fashion, with tumblers of Virginia Gentleman, washed down with foam-capped, cone-shaped glasses of Tuppers' Hop Pocket Pilsner.

Our profound gratitude for the day off, and our belief that one should not speak ill of the newly dead (unlike that punk George Will), move us to finally give "the Gipper" his due:

Aw, heck, if ketchup can be a vegetable, and if trees can cause more pollution than cars, then, by gar, Ronald Reagan can be the greatest President of the 20th Century!


REAGAN II:  WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Those of us who never cottoned to the cockamamie campaign to rename ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING after Ronald Reagan always had one huge comeback: he's not dead! You can't name a memorial after someone who's still alive? So much for that argument! If everything is going to be named after Reagan, we'd best lie back and try to enjoy it!

But there is one thing that SHOULD be renamed after Ronald Reagan: THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS! Check out a classic Wit Memo featured in the October 2000 edition of Snap Pop! magazine:  Rename the Redskins THE RONALD REAGAN NATIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM!

At a time like this, not even Daniel Snyder has the guts to refuse!
 

REAGAN III: THE STAND UP YEARS 

At Wit Memo we don't judge Presidents by their policies or leadership, we apply more important considerations, like their taste for tail (JFK, Clinton), their skill with the sauce (Grant, FDR, Nixon), and their ability to tell a joke competently. In this last category, Reagan had no peers. He may not have been much in an unscripted press conference, but given a few prepared boffo zingers, he could really slay 'em. For posterity we reproduce two of his better efforts:

"The Democrats in Congress have been spending money like a sailor on shore leave, with one difference: the sailor is spending his own money." -told on multiple occasions. (Sadly, many subsequent politicos have ruined this fine joke by omitting the punch line, proving by contrast the skill of the Great Communicator.)
 

"Today I've signed legislation which will outlaw poverty and hunger forever. We begin bombing poor and hungry people in five minutes." -told upon vetoing the Food Stamp Reauthorization Act.


REAGAN IV:  THE REAGAN SPIRIT LIVES ON . . . IN THE DC CITY COUNCIL?!?

What better embodies the Reagan spirit of dedication and individual responsibility than civil servants who - unlike Wit Memo - use their paid vacation time to promote the common good?

And thus, on behalf of the residents of Wit Memo's former home, the District of Columbia, we offer a hearty "thanx and a tip 'o the hat-rack" to the staff members of D.C. Councilman HAROLD BRAZIL, who, it was recently learned, performed work for Brazil's private law practice while on personal leave from their Council-funded attorney jobs. (Brazil commendably has a private law practice in addition to his part-time Councilman's job:  anyone who'd be content with the Council's 90-grand-plus salary clearly lacks the ambition needed to do the job right!)

Hard to believe, given the bad press routinely accorded DC government, but it's true: rather than indolently wasting their paid leave on selfish, leisurely pursuits like traveling, watching TV, or lounging around a pool somewhere, these dedicated public servants spent their hard-earned vacations sharpening their legal skills and gaining valuable experience in the practice of law, so that when they returned from vacation, they'd be even better able to serve the city council than before they left! The Councilman is to be commended for his obvious ability to attract staff willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. His famous politico wife Donna must be awfully proud!
 

REAGAN V:  LAST THOUGHT

There's a chance of rain on Thursday and Friday, when the former President will lie in state in the Capitol Rotunda, and then be taken in a solemn procession to the National Cathedral.

And we swear: if ONE TV commentator says anything about God joining in the mourning (Fox news, we're looking in your direction) . . . there just might end up being TWO funerals!

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