From PITCH Magazine, February '99 --  The SEX Issue

TO HEAR THE MEDIA TELL IT, Washington's the sex capital of the world, a steamy Sodom-on-the-Potomac that makes Hollywood and its screen celeb peccadilloes a convent by comparison.  Our elected leaders lead the nation in a cavalcade of illicit huffin' and puffin' that turns pornographers green with envy, and our one-and-only Cummander- -in-Chief has garnered worldwide fame as the latest in a long and hallowed line of Political Priapuses that includes the likes of BEN FRANKLIN, THOMAS JEFFERSON, WARREN HARDING, and, more recently, JOHN F. KENNEDY, all of whom screwed their way into the history books.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Top-level sex and politics in Washington just isn't happening anymore.  What may appear at first glance to be a non-stop orgy is only the dust kicked up by legions of ambitious career-track gals knocking each other over to get next to older, inevitably married, A-list legislative Lotharios who leave them unfulfilled and unsatisfied, and, if truth be told, barely lay a glove on 'em.  Fact is, nobody's getting laid.  A town of sin, and ain't nothin' going in.  Don't believe it?  Then just ask the folks in power:

No one disputes Clinton's alibi that he and First Girlfriend MONICA never actually did the nasty, never made the beast with two backs.  Turns out, according to POTUS, merely getting your joint noshed ain't gen-yoo-wine sex, a view apparently shared by at least 30% of American youth, or so says a recent study in the Journal of the American Medical Association the publication of which cost the editor his job.  Clinton's "eatin' ain't cheatin'" defense may have been a chutzpah high-water mark, but it won't win him any points for originality.   SALON and VANITY FAIR reported that former House Speaker and National Blowhard NEWT GINGRICH liked getting blown and enjoyed an extramarital dalliance that he deliberately limited to oral sex.  And back in '91, Senatorial Satyr CHUCK ROBB glossed over his bit of the old slap and tickle with former Miss Virginia TAI COLLINS by asserting -- with a completely straight face -- that during his 20 years of marriage he'd enjoyed "coital relations" exclusively with his wife, meaning, he might've gotten some lipstick on his dipstick, but that was it.

Notice a common theme here?  Years of extra-marital philandering by three of the highest muckety-mucks around, and not one chunk torn, not one worm sunk, not one wet tallywhacker. When Maria McKee and Lone Justice sang "you ain't afraid to stick it in" ("Ways to Be Wicked"), she sure wasn't talking about THESE guys.

So why the obsession with blowjobs?  The cover story is deniability:  Clinton could wag his finger at the nation and swear he never had "sexual relations" with "that woman;" Newt's paramour reported "then he can say, 'I never slept with her,'" and Chuck Robb could stick with his startling statement of record that he'd never told a lie in his adult life.

But maybe there's a deeper explanation.  Could it be that fat cats who have to raise something like five million dollars a week to wage a successful election campaign only know how to take, take, and take, without caring a rat's ass about giving anything in return?  Is it surprising they favor sexual styles that focus solely on their own needs and leave their hands and mouths free to solicit soft money and deliver stump speeches?   Has the onslaught of bowing supplicants conditioned them to regard tributes of genuflection as their divine right, to believe that they are the ones before whom, to paraphrase Philippians 2:10-11, every knee must bend, and every tongue pay homage?

Whatever the cause, the big losers in this no-sex deal are the women, woefully shortchanged in the orgasm department and relegated to faceless, one-way, under-the-hood servicing of their powerful inamorata.  By Monica's own reckoning her twenty-plus visits to the White House yielded a paltry two climaxes, which is two more than POTUS will 'fess up to being responsible for; by his account he never touched her "with the intent to arouse," and any touching he may have engaged in was limited to touching the inside of her mouth with his Andrew Johnson.  Kinda makes you wonder how Monica could declare the Prez her "sexual soul mate."

In his 1997 book "The Dark Side of Camelot," Sy Hersh detailed the staggering record of non-stop schtupping JFK achieved during his brief White House tenure.  (It was old news -- shortly after JFK's election, press secretary Pierre Sallinger remarked that "this administration will do for sex what the last one did for golf.")  Our current Oval Office occupant is known as a devoted admirer of the martyred 35th president, but it now appears that history has reserved a somewhat different legacy for him:  the foremost archetype of the new breed of alpha males who can't be bothered to satisfy their women.

You see, Mr. President, we knew Jack Kennedy.  And you, sir, are no Jack Kennedy.

Sex us up!


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