THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM
"Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service is Practically A Motto"
Issue 20: April double-digits: Spring here for real now!
FIRST ROBIN DEPT.
When the downtown landscaping crews starting digging up the ORNAMENTAL CABBAGES and replacing them with petunias and pansies, WIT MEMO knew that another dreamily beautiful WASHINGTON SPRING had finally arrived!! Nothing means "spring in Washington" more than the breathtaking and brief display of DC's world-renowned CHERRY BLOSSOMS, on some 1,628 Yoshino, Kwanzan, and Akenbono cherry trees that ring the Tidal Basin, by the JEFFERSON and FDR MEMORIALS. The blossoms' majestic peak of snowy fluffiness is so fleeting that it's a metaphor for all things evanescent. As usual, WIT MEMO joined the packed throngs enjoying the famous sight, on what turned out to be a gorgeously warm and sunny weekend day.
But this year, WIT MEMO did something different: The night before, we stopped at the arts-'n'-crafts/home-decorating superstore MJ DESIGNS in Gaithersburg and purchased a dozen or so amazingly realistic, fake plastic CHERRY BLOSSOM BOUGHS. We strolled slowly around the tidal basin draped from head to foot with the incredibly life-like flowers, bearing a scowl and an oversized pair of rusty hedge clippers. Boy, talk about your dirty looks!
The changing weather was also marked by a significant event for all Washingtonians, the long-discussed reopening a little bit ago of the UPPER GEORGETOWN STARBUCKS, closed since the tragic and still-unsolved slayings of three young employees last year. In memory of the shooting victims, Starbucks magnanimously announced that all profits from the store will be donated to charity. WIT MEMO attended the crowded reopening, and found it to be a solemn and yet somehow festive and hopeful occasion. The warm, upbeat mood was shattered, however, when a STRING OF FIRECRACKERS we've been carrying in our pocket since the Chinese New Year and had completely forgotten about was unfortunately detonated, by what instrumentality we have no idea. Boy, talk about your jumpy people!
AHEAD OF THE CURVE
September '97: In the Death O' Di issue, WIT MEMO contrasts the beautiful Princess with her butt-ugly in-laws: "Whatever else may be said, Di deserves enormous credit for contributing some much-needed good-looks DNA to the woefully homely royal gene pool."
March 25, 1998: Radio humorist THE GREASEMAN, in his morning show on WARW 94.7, suggesting that bright romantic futures await PRINCES HARRY and WILLIAM, observes that "if nothing else, we can thank Di for introducing some good looks into that hideous gene pool."
IN OTHER RADIO NEWS . . .
DC radio station WHFS effectively fired longtime and legendary DJ Jonathan "WEASEL" Gilbert, removing him from his daily slot and limiting him to one weekend show. 99.1 management announced that Weasel, who in his late-night heyday in the late '70s was known to play an hour of music uninterrupted by even a songlist, was no longer in step with the station's format. "Weasel would be more at home at a station that plays alternative rock," they explained.
D-E-A-T-H OF A LEGEND
WIT MEMO was saddened by the passing of First Lady of Country Music and "Stand By Your Man" artist TAMMY WYNETTE. During the '92 election HILLARY CLINTON cited Ms. Wynette's signature tune, vowing that she wouldn't just be baking cookies and "standing by her man." Six years later, transformed by her husband's hankerin' for tail into the MARY JO BUTTAFUCO of American politics, she's living that song to a T.
PASSOVER PLOT: WIT MEMO ISSUES HISTORIC APOLOGY
It seems that Easter can't pass by without one of WIT MEMO'S non-Jewish friends taking the occasion to remind us -tongue in cheek, of course- that it's "the day you killed our Lord."
In the spirit of atonement infecting everyone from DAVID BROCK and BILL CLINTON to POPE JOHN PAUL, and on behalf of THE ELDERS OF ZION and WORLD JEWRY everywhere, WIT MEMO offers the following heart-felt admission:Okay, okay! We admit it! We did it! We killed Him! But . . . it was an accident! We swear! We were just cleaning the gun, and it went off!! We didn't even know it was loaded! Honest! No one was more surprised than us! Sorry! We feel just terrible about it! And, we promise you ONE THING: it will never, EVER, happen again!!COMING SOON: WIT MEMO goes ON TOUR with a ROCK AND ROLL BAND!!!
Compliment? Complaint? Lemme Know!!
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