THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM
"Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service is Considered A Motto"
ISSUE 27: Dregs of September... Have a nice fall, see you next tripp!
WIENER GATE: COCKTAILS . . . HEARD ANY GOOD ONES LATELY?
IN THE NEWS....
During services at the Full Gospel AME Zion Church in Clinton, Maryland Sunday morning, Attorney General JANET RENO was handed a slip of paper bearing the total number of sexual contacts that President Clinton has had since taking office.
WHAT'S IN A WORD?
"A blueprint for the mistreatment of a woman"-Virtues Shah BILL BENNETT, describing POTUS' sexual whatever-it-was with you-know-who, CNBC, September 15.
"Approximately 1,400 women a year are killed by husbands and boyfriends. Two to four million women of all races and classes are battered each year. "-FBI, U.S. Department of Justice, NOW website.
I KID YOU NOT...
THE DAY AFTER the broadcast of POTUS's taped-in-the-map-room interrogation -in which our elected leader disappointingly declined to supply ANY juicy details of his slurpin-'n- burpin intrigue with the former first mistress, which commenced moments after the married, already-under-investigation, defendant-in-a-sexual-harassment-lawsuit chief exec observed the daughter-aged intern, with whom he'd to that point exchanged like two words, display the straps of her thong panties- all employees of his Department of Health and Human Services received email advertisements for a career development course titled ... "EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT LEADERSHIP."
For those who are fans of that sort of governmental, new age , uber org-speak, here's that ad verbatim:"Emotionally intelligent leadership is positively influencing others with the use of the emotional competencies available to all of us. When we call upon these inner potentials, they help us lead others to associate with worthy workplace goals and to act to remove the barriers that hinder effective action."Wish WE could string words together like that!
GOD BLESS BOB BARR
"Republicans on the committee approved, 20 to 16, a motion by Rep. BOB BARR (R-Ga.) to RESTORE THREE DELETED REFERENCES to a cigar in Lewinsky's sworn testimony to the grand jury, according to information provided by the committee and other sources."-Washington Post, September 19, 1998.
OKAY, OKAY... we've drummed our fingers numb waiting for this not-even-cutting-edge-when-we-bought-it-three-years-ago pc to downloaded .pdf files from Court TV, we've clicked next-page, next-page endlessly at CNN, but we STILL haven't seen ANY elucidation of the Report's unexplained oral-anal contact footnote teaser, or any equally delicious particulars ... can ANYONE out there PLEASE give us some HELP here?
This issue of the WIT MEMO is brought to you by MABS -- the MIDDLE AGED BACHELOR SCOUTMASTERS OF AMERICA. MABBS are concerned, caring, somewhere-over-thirty-five single men who yearn for the joys and bonding of male fatherhood but who, owing to once-busy careers, shyness, square-peg-ism, various other hands-they-were-dealt, not to mention the vagaries of this mystery we call life, find themselves in their prime middle years never married and childless. From all walks of life but united in their degree of caring; family-minded men all (why, some even live with their mothers), MABS want nothing more than to play formative roles in the lives of boys whose own career-track A-list dads are just a little too stressed and time-pressed to take time out for all those little things that mean so much in a boy's life. Specializing in camp fires, sleep aways, sing alongs, wienie roasts, scavenger hunts, left-handed smoke shifters, a dip in the ole swimmin' hole, secret societies, initiations, mild hazing.
AND COMING SOON: MABS-LDF, the MIDDLE AGED BACHELOR SCOUTMASTERS LEGAL DEFENSE FUND. Now welcoming your generous contributions.
It's the entre'acte of the Jewish High Holy Days ... YOM KIPPUR is the Day of Atonement, during which we atone for our sins . . . and once again, WIT MEMO is faced with the SAME DILEMMA . . . but THIS YEAR, we at least managed to make it all the way through ROSH HASHANAH, all the way to sun down, without eating a THING . . . no mean feat considering how we almost missed it entirely, what with the way they keep CHANGING THE DATES AROUND ... this year the 21st and 28th, next year, the 13th and 20th ... would whatever Jewish Pope or rabbinical council it is that schedules these things PLEASE make up their minds, pick a date, and BE DONE WITH IT?!? Until then, WIT MEMO reaches to the back of the rack for THE GREATEST, OLDEST, MOST CLASSIC YOM KIPPUR JOKE OF ALL TIME (note for Goyim: because high holy day services draw those who don't go during the rest of the year, Schul space is limited and you need a ticket to get in):
It's Yom Kippur, and a young man rushes up to the entrance of Temple Emanuel in New York City but is stopped by the usher, who won't let him in without a ticket. "Please let me in" the young man pleads, "I have to deliver an important message to Jacob Epstein, the famous lawyer, who's a member of this congregation." The usher won't budge, "you can't come in without a ticket." "Please, this is a very important message... Mr. Epstein is a generous donor to this temple, he sits in the same pew each service, up front on the left, with his family, I'll give him the message, and then I'll leave." The usher finally relents. "Well, ok, I'll let you in . . . BUT DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU PRAYING!!"
Next: THE WIT MEMO FASHION ISSUE!!! one time only, one-hundred eighty six glossy, scented pages celebrating and saluting the fashion industry and its freshest, most exciting and fun-tastic creation concept in the last thirty years, THE SCRUNCHIE.
Anything not clear? Then E-MAIL ME!!
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