THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM

"Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service is Practically a Motto!"

ISSUE 33: This year is ALMOST GONE!!
 

PECKERGATE AGAIN . . . FOR THE LAST TIME, WE SWEAR!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE that, according to latest reports, certain members of the House of Representatives, intent on squeezing in the impeachment proceedings before the holiday recess, have been clamoring for continuous  sessions from 10 in the morning Friday till past 4 in the morning Saturday ... that is, for NINETEEN STRAIGHT HOURS?!?!  What a bunch of morons!  Will cancer be cured any sooner?  Thanks and a tip o'the hat rack to WIT MEMO reader LARRY S. in Silicon Valley, CA for reminding us that "a meeting is something where minutes are kept, and hours are lost."

BUT now there's this war... Operation DESERT FOX . . . DESERT FOX . . . Isn't that what they called GERMAN FIELD MARSHAL ERWIN ROMMEL, "The Desert Fox?"  So show your support for OPERATION ROMMEL!

DESERT FOX notwithstanding, it seems a dead-to-rights certainty that the House will impeach the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES for only the second time in our history, because, as made clear by Republican Representative and Judiciary Committee Member BILL MCCOLLUM's line of questions for White House Mouthpiece RICHARD DAVIS, "the president touched her breast and they had genital contact." (The Second Impeachment 'cause POTUS went to Second Base?)

And now WIT MEMO is hoping dollars-to-donuts that no war, no crises, no censure, no compromise, no last minute settlement, no bizarre Deus Ex Machina, will deprive us of the spectacle of the Constitutionally-mandated Senate trial, which promises to be as sickly fascinating and can't-take-your-eyes-away compelling as watching people have sex during a car wreck.  As far back as Halloween '97 WIT MEMO was licking its chops in anticipation of a similar spectacle in what would have been the PAULA JONES trial, then slated for May, calling it "trial-of-the-fin-de-siecle, as big as OJ but a lot more fun:  tawdry as Marv AND nobody got killed, so your lurid pleasure needn't be diminished by anguished bellowing that my son was butchered."  The Senate trial will be everything that promised to be, and much, much, more.

While we're sympathetic to the Stop Impeachment forces who demonstrated on Capitol Hill today, we beseech them to consider the civic value of such a trial:  What could bring Mr. & Mrs. Average American -Ken Keyboard and Mabel Minivan- into full touch with the true nature of their elected government representatives better than the OJ-meets-Jerry Springer horror of a televised trial convened by that most exclusive club and August legislative body in the world, the US SENATE, presided over by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, with witnesses the like of MONICA and LINDA, and all to determine whether the Cummander in Chief felt up a zaftig young gal, and stuck his salary hook down her bloomers?

WIT MEMO wouldn't want it any other way.

It doesn't get any better than this.

It's JUST what we deserve.

And, as folks like Virtues Ayatollah BILL BENNET and his ilk have long noted, POTUS wouldn't be in this jam if  he'd spent more time studying the works of the FOUNDING FATHERS ... especially, WIT MEMO feels,  the works of founding father BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, who advised that "in all you amours you should prefer old Women to young ones ... Because ... they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion ... The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflection; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy."  A -friggin'-men!

BUT with the televised house committee proceedings of the last several weeks, a weird thing happened: the Congressmen supplanted and became the shouting heads and pundtwits that have been inflicted on cable subscribers for the last year but who were suddenly superfluous.  Why watch them bellyachin' at each other when we can see the Gen-You-Wine Decision Makers doin' the same thing? It was as if the JOHN GIBSONS, the GERALDOS, the LARRY KLAYMANS, the MARK LEVINS, the KEITH WATTERS, the CHRIS MATTHEWS were kidnapped and replaced by Congressional Pod People from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."  The two worlds collided and became one, and, if there were any justice at all, the universe would have exploded in flames.  The blurring of the two realms reached eerie heights when cable gabfest vet ALAN DERSHOWITZ testified before the committee and engaged in a shouting match with Committee Chair HENRY HYDE: Squint a bit and it became Geraldo.

WHILE the impeachment is the biggest story in the whole world, the international press has made some pretty basic bloopers in their coverage:  Last week, for example, a popular SPANISH LANGUAGE newspaper was spotted at a newsstand with the giant, men-walk-on-moon headline "EXTRADICION!"  Actually, impeachment by the House is more akin to the President being INdicted than EXTRAdited, but, nice try all the same!!
 

WIT MEMO AT THE MOVIES

WIT MEMO was all psyched up to go see GUS VAN ZANDT's new horror/thriller PSYCHO, but our plans were scotched when a so-called "friend" RUINED the movie for us by GIVING AWAY THE ENDING!!  Thanks a lot, pal!
 

WIT MEMO AT THE MOVIES II:  AHEAD OF THE CURVE

JUNE '98:  WIT MEMO's only movie review so far pans big budget bomb GODZILLA, bemoaning its spurning of hallowed Godzilla tradition and its boneheaded insistence on patterning its star after the ridiculous "raptors" so beloved by the makers of modern dinosaur flicks.  "It's an outrage" we declared, "This isn't Godzilla."

DECEMBER 14: CNN reports that Japan's Toho Company, makers of the original and classic Godzilla movies, will be resurrecting its original Godzilla in response to fans dissatisfied with the Hollywood facsimile. "The shape of the American version of Godzilla was so different from the Japanese version that there was a clamor among fans and company officials" they are quoted as saying.

We HOPE they'll take our original suggestion of teaming the REAL Godzilla with that adorable Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials . . . now, THAT would be a movie!
 

COMING SOON:  FUCK the Millenium!!  The FIN-DE-SIECLE is where it's at!!
 

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