THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM

 "Using That Caviar As A Garnish Since 1997!"

WIT MEMO 34:  First o' the JEWISH MILLENNIUM, 1999  . . . "marked down from 2000!!"
 

THE REAL

AS a taxpaying citizen expressly forbidden by law from voting for members of Congress, WIT MEMO disclaims any responsibility for the hijinks currently inflicted upon the populace by the members of what MARK TWAIN once described as the only inherently criminal class in these-here United States.

BUT WE'RE especially alarmed by recent calls for an "abbreviated" Senate proceeding with NO WITNESSES!!!  THEY CAN'T DO THAT TO US!!!  TRENT LOTT and TOM DASCHLE, what can you be thinking of?!?  WIT MEMO has been licking its chops for this trial of the fin-de-siecle since its chrysalis stage as the PAULA JONES lawsuit in late '97, and we're not about to be denied now, so tantalizingly close to home!

WE WANT to see LINDA TRIPP shifting uncomfortably in the witness chair as lunch time nears with no sign of a break, no match for POTUS in the keeping-a-straight-face department as she denies her serious case of book-deal blue balls ... is she gonna give the "I'm-just-like-you" line another try?  She shoulda focus grouped it.

WE WANT to see -and more importantly, HEAR-  MONICA  -Monica, THE Monica, the ONLY Monica (sporting a brand-new 'do and Rodeo drive outfit, and NO beret, please!) tell us what we mostly already know but just NEED to HEAR SAIDWE WANT to watch her full lipsticked lips form the shapes of the words that describe every slurp 'n' burp in the Starr report and the details omitted therefrom (such as the footnoted oral-anal contact), WE WANT her forced to explain how she could have concluded that she and POTUS were "sexual soul mates" when they never did it ...  and we PRAY that she's had it together enuf the last few months to have made herself look good, good enough to make even the crustiest of those horny old relics yearn to chuck it all just to have been in POTUS's pants in that WINDOWLESS CORRIDOR, this age's GRASSY KNOLL.

WE WANT to see POTUS himself, in the hotseat, twitching resentfully but slaying them in spite of themselves, we say ditch the phony, will-you-leave-me-alone-now contrition and try the sort of BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD, locker room, guy-talk boastin' he's been said to engage in with high-powered employment agent VERNON JORDAN; hell, try a phony BART SIMPSON apology, he's the ORIGINAL "boy you love to hate!"

AND we want to see JANE DOEs number one-thru-whatever...

BUT we sure-as-shootin' do NOT want to have to listen to an enervating carload of witnessless and witless hot-air speechifying along the lines of what the House laid on us for weeks and months!

SO if YOU'RE somone who's allowed to vote for Congress, then, PLEASE, WE'RE ON OUR KNEES BEGGING . . . CALL YOUR SENATOR NOW and tell him that "I WANT MY M-"   (Monica)  "-TV!!"

ps:  NOT that we've been watching too much pundtwit TV or anything, but someone should tell recent GERALDO guest and legendary trial lawyer F. LEE BAILEY that fellatio doesn't rhyme with patio!
 

BOO ON DA MEDIA PART I:

A SANTA'S STOCKING FULL O'COAL -and not even anthracite at that- and forty eye-lashes with ANN LANDER'S wet noodle to...

***GLAMOUR MAGAZINE and its brand new editor BONNIE FULLER, for the attempted miseducation of the American female in the mag's "99 Fashion DOs & DON'TS for '99" (a yearly multi-page feature version of their monthly back-page fashion photo column that illustrates the "don'ts" with real-life candid pix of unknowing female fashion felons, identities obscured by black eye-bars from stag films of yore).  Glamour advises-

              "SKIMPY SKIRT . . . DON'T!"

"The most modern skirt look you can wear now is knee-length" explains GLAMOUR, "so you might want to mothball those micromini outfits."  They illustrate their point with a  "Don't!" photo of a curvy gal who clearly isn't anorexic -and probably doesn't have any gender identity issues either- striding the sidewalk in a little number pulled so taut over her not-bony thighs that you could bounce quarters off the fabric.

WHAT could they be thinking?  Are they out of their minds?  No short skirts?  Never?  That's it?  Done, kaput, finis, show's over, break it up, boys, go home, nothing to see here?  Haven't they ever watched ALLY MCBEAL?!??  NO WONDER outgoing GLAMOUR editor of 31 years RUTH WHITNEY lamented in the WASHINGTON POST recently that her replacement "would destroy the magazine -- and she has."

***WHOMEVER in TV LAND is contemplating a DILBERT TV series, if the implication of the cover of the latest TV GUIDE is to be believed... NOT that we have any particular beef with the much-loved and supposedly anarchist hero of cubicle serfs everywhere, save his portrayal of keyboard jockeys as ill-dressed, asexual, mush-bellied lardasses, but, based on the STAPLES ads he's already done,  we think he's a poor candidate for an animation transplant . . . those mutant stilt legs and bizarre octopus/alien stride he had in those spots were downright unsettling!!
 

***AND, to the brainiacs at FOX TV who are said to be contemplating a series based on that cute TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA ... now THAT would be a textbook case of mucking about with something that's PERFECT already, what with those ads having achieved a state of Pareto optimality ... so just concentrate on churning out more great ads ... we can just about GUARANTEE that TV show'd be as flat as an SNL ALUM movie!!
 

BOO ON THE MEDIA, PART II

WIT MEMO LOVES TV commercials!! . . . they're what makes network TV better than pay cable.... why d'ya think "ARLISS" can't hold a candle to "NYPD BLUE?"

But every once in a blue moon there airs an ad that just RUBS US THE WRONG WAY . . . and THESE days, it's that spot for KODAK film where a coupla cute kids steal Dad's lobster and loose it in the ocean to save it from the table.   "It was one of those moments in life you want to keep," the wife intones in a honeyed voice over images of the Maine-vacationing family purchasing a lobster from a gen-yoo-wine Down East lobster shack and driving back to the rustic oceanside cottage, the lobster ensconced in a bucket o'water on the back seat between the fascinated post-toddler children.  "My husband thought he was getting dinner ... my daughter, a new friend."  There follows a quick tableau of the kids lugging the almost-as-big-as-they-are bucket down to the water, Dad discovering too late that the delectable crustacean has vanished and running after the tykish thieves shouting "MY LOBSTER!!" in a whiny voice, Mom grabbing the camera to record the ensuing sunset romp at land's end.

What's wrong with this picture?  Well first off, why is there only ONE lobster??  What kind of self-absorbed skinflint of a Dad is this who'll only spring for ONE lobster on vacation with a family of four??  OK, ok, so we figure, Mom's vegan, kids hate everything, but still . . . why not splurge?  Why not live dangerously and get TWO lobsters 'case someone decides to try some, or to at least answer the call of vacation gluttony?  Just doesn't ring true.  No doubt about it, this guy's just another in a long line of oafish, duh-huh dads dating back to the BERENSTAIN BEARS - how do they get those sharp women, anyway?  Oh, right, we forgot . . . it's just a made-up TV commercial.

Another problem: when we glimpse the lobster in the bucket just before the kids make off with it, it's tinged with RED.  Everyone knows that live lobsters aren't RED, they're dark GREEN, almost BLACK.  They don't turn red till they're cooked.  Are the wee ones saving a lobster that's already dead, or at the very least, horribly wounded, or, do the producers take us for gee-whiz idiots incapable of indentifying an uncooked lobster as, in fact, a lobster?

And the BIGGEST problem ... what kind of kids are these, and why have their parents done them the alarming disservice of failing to provide adequate instruction in appropriate behavior (don't they know kids need limits?)  Let's just say that if a child in a WIT MEMO family had tried a stunt like chucking Dad's dinner, we guarantee, it wouldn't have been a "Kodak Moment" ... It would have been a key opportunity to impart a needed lesson in respect for private property and the primacy of the food chain, a lesson so long lasting that it could be effortlessly recounted on a psychiatrist's couch thirty years later.  Believe us, if we didn't care about the economy of Rochester, NY, we'd be stocking up on FUJI film right now!
 

MILLENNIUM VIOLENCE WATCH

"A senior police source" said that members of the American millennium-doomsday "Concerned Christians" cult arrested in Israeli this week were planning "violent acts in Jerusalem's walled Old City" -CNN.

             Who would have noticed?
 

COMING SOON: Why the millennium SUCKS!

Compliment?  Complaint? Lemme Know!!

jeffrey@witmemo.com

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