THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM

"Putting the Cock Back In Cockamamie Since Ought-Five!"


ISSUE 36:   STILL signing checks 1998!
 

WIT MEMO IMPEACHMENT TRIAL QUESTIONS

The Senate Impeachment Trial entered a most unusual phase this week, with the Senators questioning the House Managers and POTUS's lawyers, their written questions read aloud by Supreme Court Chief Justice WILLIAM REHNQUIST (Is it just us, or does anyone else find that Rehnquist, reading the questions in his billowy black robe with its silly gold stripes, eerily recalls KARNAK THE MAGNIFICENT on the old TONIGHT SHOW?).

In the interests of full and complete development of the record prior to rendering a verdict, WIT MEMO offers the following questions for both parties:

1.   What's more important:  looks, or personality?

2.   A traveler comes to a fork in the road.  One road leads to the Village Where Everyone Lies (Washington, D.C.) and the other to the Village Where Everyone Tells The Truth (Hollywood, California).  Standing at the fork is a man in a blue pinstripe suit with a hair thing who's from one of the two villages but you don't know which one, and you can only ask him one question before you have to start paying double overtime for working on Saturday.  How many W's in all?

 3.   You're in a canoe with four women:  your MOTHER IN LAW,  JANET RENO, LUCIANNE GOLDBERG, and LUCIANNE GOLDBERG's MOTHER IN LAW.  The canoe tips over, and you can only save one of the women, but you'll have to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and probably get some tongue action in there as well.  Which woman do you save?  Or, do you tie your wrists and ankles to the anchor and throw it overboard before the issue even comes up?

 4.   The Windows 98 upgrade requires a minimum of 16 MB of RAM to run successfully.  My four-year-old 75 MHZ Pentium with Windows 3.1 has only 8 MB RAM, but is "expandable to 72 MB."  What size expansion should I invest in to be able to run the "CUM ON MONICA" game available on the web, or, would I be better off just buying a new PC?

5.    What would you have recommended for removing semen stains from a blue cotton dress . . . or, what would you recommend in the future for removing blood stains from the grey wool broadloom rug in the master bedroom of the White House personal residential quarters?

 6.    A farmer is bringing produce to market:  LINDA TRIPP, MONICA LEWINSKY, and a QUARTER-TON SHIPPING FLAT OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES.  He comes to a river crossing with a small raft ferry, but the raft will only carry a maximum of 975 pounds, so he can only bring one item across the river with him at a time . . . but he can't leave Linda Tripp and the shipping flat of truffles alone together on the river bank because she'll eat the truffles before he gets an oar wet, and he can't leave Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky alone together on the river bank because Monica will dismember, barbecue, and eat Linda Tripp ... and, come, to think of it, she'd probably eat the truffles too, if she got the chance.  Aside from calling Allied Van Lines or the Army Corps of Combat Engineers, what does the farmer do?

7.   If you could have given the President one sentence of advice two years ago, what would it have been?  (Note to House Managers: "Drink strychnine" is not an option.  Note to President's Defense Team: "Keep it in your pants" is not an option).

8.   Is there anything you could say or do during any remaining portion of the Impeachment Trial that could by any wild stretch of the imagination possibly be as entertaining as calling Monica Lewinsky as a witness to testify about her tete-a-tetes with Presidential timber?
 

COMEDIANS ACROSS THE NATION REJOICE!!!

On the LARRY KING show, former Vice President and national laughingstock DAN QUAYLE declared that he will announce his candidacy for President last week.  Quayle indicated he's confident he can defeat Bill Clinton in 2000.

What else can you say about a politician whose greatest accomplishment is his claim that he got a raw deal in a public war of words with a fictional TV character?
 

OVERHEARD ON C-SPAN

 "The kids.  That's what moves me, the kids."
 -House Manager HENRY HYDE, responding to question, Saturday January 23, 1999.
Actually, judging from the trouble he had squeezing between the Senate President's dais and counsel table on his way to the microphone (as noted by commentators on NPR), we thought the only thing that moved Henry Hyde was a Hercules C-145 transport plane.
 
 "There are numerous occasions on which [the President] did the things he said he didn't do to the Grand Jury."
 - House Manager BILL MCCOLLUM, earlier in the week.
My God . . . you mean he nailed the Grand Jurors, too?
 

OLD JOKES NEVER DIE . . . EVEN WHEN THEY SHOULD

YOU KNOW the latest POLITICAL JOKE that's been all over the Net (WIT MEMO received it from at least FIVE independent sources)?   The one that has Clinton forgiving and pardoning JOHN HINKLEY ... and telling him that KEN STARR is fucking JODIE FOSTER?

WIT MEMO just LOVED that joke the first time we heard it!!!!   . . . FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, WHEN IT INVOLVED RONALD REAGAN and WALTER MONDALE!!  THEN, it was funny!  Now, it only reminds us of how funny it once was!  We know we're not winning any friends here, but when we took over this assignment in '97 we did so with the understanding that we'd be able to call 'em like we see 'em!  So c'mon people, we can all do better!  We should expect no less from ourselves!
 

NO WONDER HE'S SO WACKY!!

December '98: WIT MEMO 31 dubs POTUS' hi-tech, no-fuss, no-muss "Desert Fox" strike against Iraq "OPERATION ROMMEL".

January 19, 1999: Appearing on "Politically Incorrect," "Mr. Entertainment" BOB "B-1 BOB" DORNAN (as unusual, he KILLED) muses about Desert Fox, referring to it as OPERATION ROMMEL!   We're just honored speechless to have been so recognized by one of the true zanies and one-of-a-kind original nutbars in the history of American politics!  We sure do miss ya!

Compliment?  Complaint? Lemme Know!!

jeffrey@witmemo.com

Back to Back Issues

Back Home