THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM
"Where Top-Hat, Red-Carpet Service is Considered a Motto"
FEB WEB LAUNCH . . . the usual phraseology
MORE WIT MEMO ONE-SENTENCE MOVIE REVIEWS OF MOVIES NOT SEEN:SHE'S ALL THAT: Gorgeous, sexy babe actress made up as ugly duckling to sell screen transformation from ugly duckling to gorgeous, sexy babe.
VARSITY BLUES: Jocks get all the chicks.
PECKERGATE: IT WAS A GOOD WEEK FOR:
Sky-high-IQ scribe CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS, who made the rare jump from Pundwit to Player (eat your heart out, Jonathan Turlet!) and kicked up some free publicity just as he's about to come out with a book on the Prez's misdeeds. (AS MICHAEL CORLEONE said, "it's the smart move.") Wethinks Hitch gave POTUS Shill SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL over as a test of his theory that Bill's a conniving, deceitful scallywag who'd let a devoted friend throw himself on a grenade ("dangle," Hitchens said) rather than suffer a whit of consequence himself. Gee whiz, Mr. Hitchens, we knew all that when we voted for him!
Careful WIT MEMO readers know we've long been in awe of Hitch's razor wit (see WIT MEMOs 4 & 5), but we're wondering just how far he's willing to take his Vow to eat a CONTEMPT RAP rather than testify in a prosecution of his friend. He wasn't one bit amused Monday night when MSNBC'S John HOCKENBERRY jokingly wished him "luck" in staying out of the hoosegow. We sure hope he knows what he's doing, 'cause that STARR crowd plays rough, and, the bars in jail aren't ANYTHING like TIMBERLAKE'S!
MORE PECKERGATE: WIT MEMO IMPEACHMENT TRIAL APOLOGY
AS THE PREMIER DRUM-BEATER for MONICA testimony, WIT MEMO would like to APOLOGIZE for the funereal spectacle the Witness Portion of the Impeachment trial turned out to be, owing to the cowardly decision of the HOUSE MANAGERS -those SONS OF A SEACOOK- to steer clear of "salacious" material, thereby foreclosing the possibility she'd say anything even vaguely related to you-know-what. Instead of all the JUICY DETAILS we'd waited so long to hear from her Own Lips, the proceedings devolved into a yawn-inducing parade of argle-bargle about who-told-who about her subpoena, and who-asked-who for some crummy gifts. To have come this far and then Quit so close to the finish line . . . It just couldn't have turned out any worse. We're SO SORRY.
We said it was all about SEX, but we were WRONG.
Turns out, it's all about BOREDOM.
NONETHELESS, We DID manage to catch a bit of the closing arguments after work and take a few notes . . .
- Just what IS the DEAL with HENRY "Life Begins at 45" HYDE and YOUNG BOYS?!? First, he AGAIN brought up that darn 3D GRADER who "wrote" that publicity-seeking letter, and THEN he uncorked a winding story about some 13-year-old "WINSLOW BOY" that ended with the no-intro-needed conclusion "let right be done." If we didn't already know courtesy of SALON that he was such a PLAYER, we'd be wondering . . .
- But he wasn't finished . . . he also quoted HORACE MANN (we LOVE his hot rockin' daughter AMY) for the preposterous notion that "you should be ashamed to die unless you've done something to help humanity." Oh, GREAT . . . so not only should I ALREADY be feelin' LOWER THAN A SNAKE'S BELLY for not having made the world a better place, but, when I finally take the Big Sleep and get out of everybody's hair . . . I have to feel ashamed for THAT, TOO? Jeeez, tough crowd!
- Virtues Shah BILL BENNETT quoted SPIKE LEE in his praise of the House Managers for Doing the Right Thing. That, he said, is "the lesson we should be sending to the young people."
Well, OK, maybe, but, shouldn't we also sending them the lesson "don't throw good money after bad?" or, "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then give up. No use being a damn fool about it."
- DID any else think Rep. ED BRYANT sounded incredibly sad and weary as he set about "examining" MONICA? Like it wasn't turning out to be quite what he'd hoped? Took us back to age 10 or 11, when we BEGGED and BEGGED DAD to let us use the family's brand-new ELECTRIC LAWNMOWER. Finally, he relented . . . and two months later, having spent every succeeding Saturday pushing the thing over that expanse of suburban NJ fescue, we cursed the day we'd ever opened our mouth! Careful what you wish for, 'cause it may come true!
- WHAT was MSNBC's NANETTE HANSEN thinking Saturday 2/6 when she asked patrons at a NY diner if Monica Lewinsky was a "SMOKING GUN?" POLE-smokin' PISTOL is more like it!
- AND what was up with POTUS mouthpiece CHARLES RUFF's admonition, as reported on National Journal's HOTLINE, that a conviction would rip a hole in the "constitutional fabric?" "One day someone will come along and pull a thread . . . and soon the entire cloth will begin to unravel." Say, isn't that EXACTLY what his BOSS tried with KATHLEEN WILLEY?
IT WAS ALSO A GOOD WEEK FOR . . .
THE CLAREMONT INSTITUTE, which reaped tons of free PR when their speaking invitation to alleged erotica aficionado and Supreme Court Judge CLARENCE THOMAS sparked the usual unoriginal, predictable-as-clockwork protests his rubber chicken circuit engagements invariably evoke. You can't BUY publicity like that! (For just about everyone reading this, The Claremont Institute is an obscure, nobody-would- have-heard-of-it-otherwise "think tank" that masks its animus for POTUS behind Talmudic analyses of the writings of the sometimes-slave holding, occasionally antidemocratic "Founders." WIT MEMO's on their e-mail list courtesy of having graduated from kissin' cousin' CLAREMONT MCKENNA (né Men's) COLLEGE . . . where we learned that Orange County right-wingers can smoke every bit as much weed as their counterparts at the Eastern Liberal Universities.)
NEWS HEADLINES -or- CAN WE EVER TRUST THE FOURTH ESTATE AGAIN?STAR: LIZ SOBS: I BLAME MYSELF FOR LARRY'S SUICIDE ATTEMPT.
GLOBE: LIZ HUBBY MURDER PLOT: LARRY'S TRAGIC FALL WAS NO ACCIDENT, PALS FEAR.
Compliment? Complaint? Lemme Know!!
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