THE WITZELSUCHT MEMORANDUM
"Saying what most people are too busy to even think!"
Valentine's Day AND a three-day weekend? PINCH ME!
FRIDAY afternoon was gorgeously warm and sunny, and after word of the acquittal spread WIT MEMO walked the 15 or so blocks to the WHITE HOUSE, where we found the gates flung open and a raucous public party in progress on the lawns. Kegs ands kegs of good beer and big bowls of strong punch just like they'd used to lure the mob out of the White House when things got out of hand at ANDREW JACKSON's open inaugural bash. Music from BLACK OAK ARKANSAS. At one point POTUS appeared waving on a balcony, high-fiving friends and supporters.
And who should come along then, unexpected and unawares, but Utah Senator ORRIN HATCH and Christian Coalition founder PAT ROBERTSON, rearing up in aghast horror through the moon roof of a black limo slowing to a stop on E Street, just beyond the fence. Shock and revulsion wrestled for control of their faces. Robertson barked some animated words into a wafer-thin cell phone, he and Orrin Hatch ducked back down as the moon roof slid shut, and, in a few moments, the sky was dark with angry clouds, lightning bolts cracked and the winds gusted up a driving rain, scattering the crowd.
WORDS CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE THIS ONE . . .
So why DID JERRY FALWELL get more HEAT for calling "TELETUBBY TINKY WINKY" GAY, than for saying last month that THE ANTICHRIST is JEWISH?!?
Remember? We forget the context, but sometime in January the fairly tubby, oft-televised Reverend Falwell described the Antichrist (is that the same thing as the Devil? Or is it some other guy?) as a Jewish man who's alive somewhere today . . . HEY, has he been talking to my ex? There then followed the usual denunciations, the stock non-apology -cum-explanations, and the inevitable defense that Falwell "supports Israel," with nary a word about how he supports Israel primarily so it can be destroyed as one of the main acts in the second-coming set piece supposedly foretold by Revelations. That blew over pretty quick, while Tinky Winky is still Getting Laughs.
BUT back to the issue: Falwell says Tinky Winky's light in the loafers 'cause he speaks with the voice of a boy but carries a purse. But . . . so did . . . FELIX THE CAT!! HE carried a purse . . . his bag, his magical bag of tricks! But have we heard a peep out of Falwell?
AND there's plenty of places where men carry purses . . . like, Europe. European men all carry purses, and is that supposed to mean that . . . oh . . . uh, never mind.
DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN
MONDAY I turned on MSNBC and they were doing . . . JON BENET!! It was like she had never left . . . Monica may have turned our heads for a year but we never did forget that other American gal archetype, she was always there in our hearts. CONGRATS and a tip o'the hat rack to MSNBC, for coming up with the perfect antidote for post-Peckergate withdrawal. Neat the way they arranged it so the first scrap of new info in months should come out the first weekday since the impeachment wound up.
On the other hand, we can't let a few big boners from the WASHINGTON POST last week go unmentioned-
CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER (the Post columnist who hates the Roosevelt Memorial) only told part of the story in arguing that Democrats owe ROBERT BORK an apology. ("Back to Bork," February 9). His tale of poor Bork's unfair savaging for nothing more than a benign insistence on "interpreting the Constitution according to the 'original intent' of the Founders" omitted any mention of Bork's scary antipathy to the fundamental right to privacy (for which, along with the C&O Canal National Park, we can thank WILLIAM O. DOUGLAS). And contrary to the impression left by Krauthammer's column, that right sprung not from Roe v. Wade but from the uncontroversial Griswold v. Connecticut, where the state outlawed birth control -- even for married couples. Would a Justice Bork condone such a patently invasive and overreaching law? We don't know, because in his book and TV appearances he's consistently sidestepped that question. Krauthammer also quoted Safire's Political Dictionary for the definition of the verb "Bork" as "[to] attack viciously a candidate or appointee, especially by misrepresentation in the media." A more objective definition might be "to expose one as an out-of-touch extremist by reference to one's own views" or, in the passive, " to be hoist on one's petard." Better that Bork should be hectoring us from the peanut gallery than shaping the law of our land.
PLUS, he's got that weird beard. 'Nuff said!
PETER CARLSON may have thought he was pretty clever, getting a few easy laughs at the expense of lowly professional wrestling, but he was way off base when he wrote that CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS' Tripp-ing of pal SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL was "as if a professional wrestler who'd been pretending to pummel his fake enemy with a fake chair actually grabbed a real chair and started really whacking the guy. It's just not done." Fact is, it IS done . . . at least in wrestling. As any fan of Big-Time Wrestling knows -- and as was confirmed by TV's recent "Secrets of Pro Wrestling" expose -- the chairs wrestlers whack each other with in those matches are the gen-yoo-wine article. Carlson's blunder is an example of what happens when members of the "cozy little club of confidential sources and off-the-record confidences," as he calls it, attempt to wax wise about that which they do not know. For unlike the recriminations now said to be flying about in the "rarefied world" of "exclusive dinner parties" he describes, the verbal violence in pro wrestling doesn't stay verbal very long.
COMING SOON: The Simpsons must die . . . the Fin de Siecle . . . advice from the WORLD'S GREATEST WRITER.
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